Amy Adoyzie

Rezoom

From Razorcake #51, which came out in July 2009. This was a column I had written while still in Bangladesh in anticipation of returning home.

A convergence of greed, debt and consumerism—hallmarks of modern-day Americana—has exploded in our collective red, white and blue faces. The economy and us, we’re on a break. Our honeymoon, that flourishing period of my young adult life where jobs were to be had and money was made to be spent (not saved), was gorgeous and felt right. The economy and us felt invincible. We were in love with one another, we indiscriminantly lavished it with our ever-increasing expendable income and it gave us a living wage and encouragement to incure debt, Dang, it was to be.

Until it wasn’t.

Until we realized that the economy is a cruel mistress, that she was being bedded by irresponsible home mortgage lenders. We broke up, and it hasn’t been easy. The economy wants all its stuff back, like all that money it lent you. Or worse yet, it took all the friends you made together, like your job.

* * *

This is what I’m coming home to face: a poor analogy for the collapsed economy. I am conflicted because I am both ecstatic and anxiety-ridden about my return.

Ultimately, I am more stoked than not because having lived the past 18 months in a developing, conservative Muslim country leaves me wanting nothing more than to go home where even the toughest things, like finding gainful employment, seems easier than spending another day in a place where so much of who I am is constantly repressed.

It is with this infinite optimism of a more fruitful life back home in the States that I am reaching out to the Razorcake Readership ™. I need ya’ll to help me find a job.

I’m making a plea to my friends to let me know if they might know someone who might know someone who might want to employ me in the greater Portland, Oregon area. (I might be willing to move, but the job will have to be insanely lucrative and/or involves me being the personal assistant to Joyce Carol Oates or Michael Cera. [Or better yet, a benefactor is always welcomed.])

To help you to help me, I’ve attached my resume. Feel free to photocopy and distribute to anyone who has a payroll.

Objective: Get money. Get paid.

Education:
- California State University. Bachelor of Arts Degree in Journalism with a concentration in Photojournalism. Minor in Women’s Studies.
Accrued debt: $12,800 – Remaining balance: $10,800

Awards & Distinctions:
- Margaret Duff Elementary School Spelling Bee Finalist (1st-3rd Grade Division)
- S.A.N.E. Anti-Drug Use Campaign Poster Winner: A crayon drawing of an aluminum garbage can brimming with stuffed black plastic garbage bags, fish bones, generic pills, packs of cigarettes, empty “XXX” beer bottles with the slogan boldly written above, “Don’t Do Drugs / There Just Trash.” (Yes, I’m aware, wrong “their.” I was a nine-year-old ESL student, cut me some slack.)
- Honor Roll / G.A.T.E. (Gifted and Talented Education) Student / Chronic Asthma / Gigantic Geek

Employment History:

1997
Sunny Cleaners – Quality control robot who slipped plastic bags over freshly-pressed garments. The heat and humidity of working in a dry cleaner was compounded by its location in southern California. I’d end my shift with salt chunks tangled in my hair and a white ring around the neckline of my oversized black MTX Starship t-shirt. My awkward Korean boss, a man who found his wife through an arranged marriage, asked me, in all seriousness, “You don’t have many friends, do you?”

1998
Toys ‘R’ Us – It felt like a rite of passage when an irate customer accosted me on Xmas eve because he was forced to wait in a very long line. I smirked. A Latino goth co-worker tried to gift me a stolen VHS copy of Disney’s Mulan to prove his crush on me. I frowned.

Disneyland – The first job I had with a uniform dress code, but had the benefit of roaming the amusement park after work. But being at Disneyland alone is a sad reminder of our ultimately loneliness. Quit after two weeks.

1999
Insurance Underwriting Firm – Learned to use a foot-pedal operated transcription machine. Typed so much I couldn’t grip a pen. First exposure to cubicles and fluorescent lights. Realized that some people spend all of their middle age here. Terrified.

2000
Wound & Wound Toy Co. – A wind up toy store. I bought Gus the Nunzilla, a wind-up box-shaped nun that waddled about while shooting sparks out of her mouth. My boss was a professional at wearing ape suits in Hollywood films.

2001 – 2002
Ebay PowerSeller – Exhibited initiative and entrepreneurship by shopping. This job was an excuse for me to go to a thrift store every week to buy t-shirts for 99 cents and then resell them for $10. Paid the rent and upheld the American spirit of enterprise

Learning Resource Center Peer Tutor – If you graduated from an American public high school, you are more than likely lacking in the ability to write a cohesive academic paper as you had not been equipped with these skills. In comes your peer tutor—me! How’s it feel to be tutored in English by a non-native English learner?

2003
Screenwriter’s Assistant – The woman I worked for penned two qausi-well-known films, one’s about life from a parrot’s perspective and the other is a fairy tale. I know I signed a confidentiality agreement, but the film she was working on while I was her assistant had to do with competing sportscasters, one of whom was a female-to-male transman. When not taking dictation or transcribing her screenplay, I assisted her in errands and learned about the value of cobblers and affordable groceries at Trader Joe’s.

Los Angeles PBS Station’s New Media Associate – My first grown-up job. Salary, health benefits, rolling office chair. While on the clock: got told to “act my age”, bet on my first NCAA pool, regularly reprimanded for forgetting to turn on my boss’s computer for her, maintained and updated station website through content management system, watered boss’s cacti. Cried three times during first months. Mom suggested that menopause was the reason behind my boss’s cruelty.

2004-2005
Los Angeles PBS Station’s New Media Associate – Became an expert at killing time and subsequently developed an addiction to celebrity gossip blogs and a newfangled social networking website called MySpace. Used my salary to become a card-carrying member of the ACLU, NOW and Planned Parenthood, subsequently resulting in a deluge of junk mail from leftist organizations asking for donations. Began to suffer from acute fluorescent-light poisoning, symptoms of which included malaise and “working for the weekend.” Retired.

2005
High School After-School Tutor – Someone placed at-risk high school kids in my care and nobody got hurt.

Ebay PowerSeller’s Associate – Earned a ridiculous butt-load of money (by my lowly standards) helping a woman sell “vintage” purses. Ladies love bags, and we had sacks full of them. Consumerism is beautiful sometimes.

Green Noise Records – Blasted Reigning Sound, Bent Outta Shape and The Black Lips.

2006
Volunteer Oral English Instructor in Hunan, PRC – Taught 1,450 Chinese adolescent students. Managed to burst into tears in only four classes.

2007
Volunteer Oral English Instructor in Hunan, PRC –

Green Noise Records – Blasted Underground Railroad to Candyland, The Zombies and The Boys.

2008
Dishwasher – Operated the Jackson ES-2000 dishwasher. Operated mop and mobile mop bucket station. Smoked out with head cook and prep cook.

Volunteer Literature Teacher in Chittagong, Bangladesh – Learned that four hours of sleep and insurmountable responsibilities and stress might result in an optical floater which is the degeneration of one’s retina and over degeneration of one’s mental an emotional health. Created an academic literature curriculum geared towards south Asian students. Educated the next batch of female leaders of this region. Superhero.

2009
Volunteer Literature Teacher in Chittagong, Bangladesh – Survived.

American – Unemployed in an non-employing economy.

Additional Skills:
Sari wrapping, spring roll rolling, free-hand embroidery, block-printing novice, advanced ability to use Photoshop stamp filter,

Favorites:
TV Sitcom: Small Wonder
Running shoes: Brooks Adrenaline GTS
Thing to eat in a bowl: Pho
Xmas present: Long-reach stapler from my youngest brother
Means of sustenance: Employment.

Hire me.